Just so tired

You know, i think people are entitled to give up. Or feel like they aren't strong enough. Some people might think that's bullshit but you know what I think is bullshit? Telling someone they are strong enough when you have no idea what they are going through. Im not necessarily strong enough. You cant say im strong enough to lift a car..right?

Let me sum up what's going on right now. I've been on anti-depressants for about 3 and a half years now. Constantly. I have taken them before but not longer than a few months. Essentially they stopped working. So i decided to see a psychologist so I felt more confident in what medicine i was taking..etc. I've tried three other types of medication and they have absolutely wreaked havoc on my body and mind. I can't take them. I refuse to continue on.

So now begins my journey of tapering off and being drug free. This is definitely the hardest thing I've ever experienced. I have about one more week of my taper before i stop completely. And while im excited to be off of them, im also terrified that i won't feel better, or in some ways i'll feel worse.

It doesn't help that school starts in 3 weeks and im so overwhelmed with all that i need to do but i cant do because im so fucking sick and dizzy and everything makes me have severe, chest pain having panic attacks.

Oh and have i mentioned im really tired of having both boys punch and hit me all day long and having Chris tell me several times a day that he wants me to die? No? Well, i am. Really, i cant do it.

Dream dream dream

At night I tend to go back and forth with myself in my head. The boys are asleep and sometimes they go to sleep easily, other times it's a long battle. Doesn't matter. When they are asleep and I'm alone the day sort of caves in and i start to dwell on the mistakes i made. About how I wasn't patient enough this time or i wasn't consistent in my parenting.

I tend to take the 'easy way out' more than i should. The whole "id rather not have chris scream at me all day so i'll just let him do whatever he wants with that pillow, or give him the soda he wants or another popsicle". Instead i really need to be firm and not let him get what he wants. He needs to understand that his temper isnt going to control me. But there are more days lately where i feel like im just not strong enough. Where i yell more than i should. I should be stimulating them more.

I let the day ruin me. I lay and cry because i feel guilty. Like they deserve a better mother than me. That they are going to hate me because i can't do everything that other moms do. And although i know that this is not the right way to think and it's a horrible thing to do to myself...its so hard. I have no love for myself or faith that i can get better.

Depression is the hardest thing I've ever had to battle. I've been to the dark side. It has absolute control over every aspect of my body. It's evil and although it's something i know i can get through, today i just don't feel strong enough.

The tears are never ending. Maybe tomorrow i can be better. I won't know till i get there.

Mudder's day

Mothers day is like any other "special" day.  Its just NOT. I ended up spending a whole day helping MY mother shop and cook food and clean. I mean come on.

I always had this thought that for mothers day i could kinda have a day off so to speak. Like, no changing diapers or giving baths, no cooking food no cleaning up. Just sitting on my fat ass doing NOTHING. But you come to the realization (at least for me) that if i didnt do all the above mentioned stuff, it wouldnt get done at all because my spouse doesnt do anything unless its asked and i might as well do it myself.

So, the day was full of phoney, mass text messages and a whole lot of meltdowns and annoyances.

I dont like holidays of any sort

Someone from Russia tried to hack my google account? Come on..

Stomping on ants, suckin their souls

Bah i haven't updated in forever. I swear if i had a computer id get around to it more often.

So, for those who read/care..here's the most recent stuff.

Had both of the boys IEP's..they went ok. Well i mean, they went as expected. Chris is making lots of progress. His scoring was great and all in the average range. Even his speech. Which is no real surprise. He is very intelligent.

The team decided (as i knew) that the SPICE kindergarten is the best placement for next year. For newbies ...SPICE is the Gilbert public school's Autism class. The kindergarten SPICE is children all over the spectrum. High functioning like Chris and other lower functioning kids who may be non verbal etc are all in one class. Once they are in first grade they separate and have SPICE 1 and SPICE 2. He will have lots of integration with a para. They also have a sensory room which is rad. I don't know what school yet. We won't know till summer but hopefully it's close and i feel comfortable like i do now.

Matthews IEP was a little bit of a bummer. He is obviously intelligent and isn't regressing but they are unable to give him the support he needs. He has constant meltdowns, runs away, cant sit and participate in circle time. He won't socialize with any of the kids and needs constant supervision and additional support. So the ultimate decision is that Matthew will be placed in a SPICE preschool. I feel ok with it as he has two more years of preschool and the team (myself included) agrees that the happier he is in his environment, the better he will learn.

Sooooo...i'm just stressed because i don't know if they'll be at the same school or not next year and i'm new to the SPICE program and yeah. I don't like change either!

That's the summary of our lives at the moment. I quit writing for a while because i kind of got sick of talking about Autism for a while. I know it will never go away from my life but you know, if you're an autism parent and ONLY if you're an Autism parent do you understand the...irritation? No, that's not the word. I cant explain it well enough.

Love you all.

Updateys

Gah ok. Things have been ok lately. With me..ya know. I've slowly been feeling more normal. No more trips to the e.r. haven't had a crying spell since Monday (which is good) so ya know. Ill live, I guess.

Been gluten free still. Its been what, around a month? I feel good I guess. Its hard to say if its really made a diff or not since i've had so much other shit going on. I want to say it has but my word..whoever says its not more expensive is a fuckin liar. If a pack of 4 gf bagels is on SALE for $5.99 and a pack of like 6 non gf is at least half the price then ok. Yeah it is MUCH more expensive. So here's what im gonna do. I go to my endocrinologist on Tues. If my thyroid levels are no better then im not doing it. I just can't afford it if I really DON'T need to be eating that way. And if I reintroduce gluten and feel shittier then ill know it helped. Just not into it really. so expensive. Mostly because I don't cook. Cooking meals from scratch for just me is so not happening. It's just not what I do.

Kids are good. Chris has been finishing up his testing at school and we find out before too long where he's gonna be placed. As I've said a million times. There's really nothing new to update autism wise so I am not gonna say any more.

I've been struggling lately with entertainment for them. They are hard to entertain and I don't have much money or a car so..I don't know what to do. They do something for like 5 minutes and are done. Like chalk, bubbles, coloring etc. HOW DO YOU KEEP KIDS BUSY? like really. How. And how the fuck am I gonna survive summer?

Okay well..let the NON commenting begin.

Dear lord..

Alright. I have a moment to talk about this past week/horrid evil weekend.
Billy had been sick for a while, but his cough got worse and he was coughing so much he was puking so Monday night after work he went to urgent care. They gave him antibiotics and some cough syrup and a note to excuse him for the next day of work. They called him the next day and said they found something on his chest xray sooooo he saw our reg dr and he had the start of pneumonia. Got meds, but it knocked him on his ass. He missed the whole week of work which stressed me out, but he definitely needed the rest to feel better.

Saturday was my bday. Had no big plans especially since billy was ill. But in the morning, discovered that both boys had 102 temperature. Kept an eye on them but I just had a weird feeling so I ended up taking them both to urgent care. Ears were both a little red so the dr went ahead and gave them both some amoxicillin. Fevers kept kicking their ass. Chris was especially hit hard. It was like there was no way to bring down his fever. Sunday Chris threw up twice..but I think it was just from the fever itself. He started acting really strange and very lethargic and wouldn't talk to me so I took him back to urgent care. They did a chest x-ray and everything was fine so we went home. Gave him medicine and some water and he fell asleep and about 20 min later he started having a seizure. Billy grabbed him and went to the hospital. It took chris about 5 min to respond and be able to say where he was and who he was and stuff. They did nothing at the hospital. I guess there is nothing to do? Seeing as tho he was acting ok when he was there.

After he got home he seemed to feel much better. He was more active and happy and it was a relief. They are still both hot and cruddy but im hoping tomorrow they will be fever free.

Just a shitty weekend. Such a scary experience and I hate when they feel so sick.